Of blogs and things.

I've always felt closer to sanity after I've written things down. I don't handle my emotions well and get pretty flustered and irrational. Taking the time to write how I feel gives me a perspective that I take more time to find if I just whinge and cry and blame everything else.

I think a misconception of blogs are, probably because they're usually shared publicly, is that people write them for attention, and in a way I guess it's true. I want to feel validated. I don't want to be praised, just acknowledged in a vague way. A big reason for me is because I am very sensitive, and I care a lot about what people think. I don't always care about their thoughts of me because I've come to realise hardly anyone thinks about other people in that way most people feel so paranoid about, but some of us do have that desire to be counted as a human being, with thoughts and ideas, even if they aren't as fabulous as some of the greater minds... or as wickedly tempting as the less... greater.

In a somewhat unrelated way, I want to share my life and my existence with someone, because while it is small and meaningless in the grand scheme of things, yes, it's also beautiful and tragically amazing that we, as complex organisms in a tiny dot floating about the universe, have resided to this need to feel validated, because maybe some of us feel that we should matter, not as some special snowflake better than someone else, but as an individual never to exist again in the history of anything. That history just flies by us, the regular people, and why should we matter any less? We are just as beautiful and complex as any other, we have thoughts and emotions and lives worth sharing. Why should it be considered vain to want to share a life, especially considering the feat of the internet and the ease of it all. It's not about caring, it's about sharing. It's about feeling validated, not being validated.

When you can go back and look at your own life as a series of exact posts, filled with emotions and stories of experiences you've usually forgotten about. You come across pictures you never would have bothered put in a photo album, if that were the 'thing' we did these days. I wish I could go back through my mothers blog and see what she was like as a human being, rather than just 'mum'. She's become someone else now, and it's lost forever to people who didn't know her then, and I think that's really sad. All I have is what she'll tell me, and yet I know more about strangers, and everyone else knows these same intimate details. I find snippets of my parent's lives as though they were once, oh god, people, and not just my parents.

There's something special about going through old diaries and wondering where they are now, and I find old blogs and get that same ache. I just want to feel validated, like someday my kids will think, "I wonder if my mother ever felt alone like this, or felt so in love like this," and I don't have to say a word, because they know. They know that people of all sorts feel and experience this shit of an amazing life, because with words in random blogs you can relate to people you'd never even think about or meet.

I think that's about as deep as I'll get. The rest will be my actual life, which is by far the most exciting thing I've ever done.